All of us together

I've been thinking internally a lot more then I have been in the recent past, and the convoluted nature of my problems is a sprawling, nebulous net of paradoxes and unsure cause and effects. I've begin to see patterns in my travel and the way I live. I cannot live places, not when I am not content, not happy. It breaks my heart, every piece of the world I give up by staying in one place. But then I move, and I do not live anywhere. I am always advancing, always traveling, always passing through, without stability or home. I adapt. I learn new cultures, new words, new things, and then as soon as I begin to become familiar with something I move again, because it is not enough. It cracks my mind to never retreat, to never feel safe, to never be home. And so I go and stay for awhile, over and over, with a half broken heart and a half crazed mind, neither complete. I'm waiting for a place to hold my heart while catching up my mind and, for once, never wishing I was anywhere else then here.

But I don't know here, I don't know home. This is not home and neither is LA nor Ashland nor Portland. And I'm beginning to think that's why I never feel safe. But I remember what Portland was like, wishing I was anywhere but here. I need to be free but I can't be as tied down as I need to be to get there. Paradox. On verra.