Growth

I made it back, in one piece no less.

My life has been marked by spontaneous decisions and the trip to Germany was no exception. Despite the trip being hard, it was more then worth it in so many ways. Hannes, alone, would have made it worth it. I was given faith in people that had been shaken from me, an a renewed sense of purpose or at least potential within myself.

The short version of the story is, I was told by my original hosts that I could no longer stay with them and I was effectively without a permanent place to stay for over a month till my flight. When I asked if I could at least get a ride to the airport, I got no reply. So, with 60 euro, two friends in the entire country, and a very unstable stay ahead of me, I had to make it work.

Hannes did that for me. Hannes did everything for me. He took me in when no one else would and he was the sweetest, most open and caring boy I'd ever met. He shared without questioning and really, sincerely just wanted me to feel safe and happy. He respected my space when I needed it and I grew close to him through that. I learned to cook a bit, learned the bus system in Munster and the cheapest places to buy groceries. I went with him to his parent's house in Dulmen and Oberhausen and Enschede. I loved him.

Despite being in one of the most healthy relationships of my life, it was underscored by the fact that I need to do a lot of work on myself. I'm not, not quite yet, fair to the people I love. It's hard for me, I recognize that I have some weird attachment and personal space issues. Luckily I was able to contain them as much as possible during my stay and avoid hurting Hannes with my own flaws, but I need to fix these things within myself if I'm going to have a future with someone.

The last part of my stay was significantly more comfortable and stress free thanks to a donation from a friend, I was able to travel and see more then I had in the previous two months combined. My departure was a bit hectic and sad due to the separation from Hannes, but I know I will see him again, so I was able to take it.

The flight was wretched, an italian and an annoying american spoke about really, really stupid things the entire flight. I was moved from my nice, pre-ordered window seat into a shitty isle seat by an arab girl who offered me an ultimatum of either moving so she and her grandparents could sit together or sitting next to a pair of pissed off arab grandparents for 12 hours, so I took the former. At LAX I went through an absurd amount of security before meeting up with Christoph and heading over to Cyle's dorm for the night.

Things were a little distant between Cyle and I for the first few days, but after things melted I realized how much and why exactly I had missed him so much. I spent a few weeks in LA with him and they were, to say the least, memorable. It brought he and I closer and I expect good things to come of it.

I finally caught a ride back to Ashland with three other people, a girl who was mostly quiet and had a good sense of humor but unfourtionatly encouraged the other two, the driver, a man named lance who's nipple allegedly had been ripped off in a car accident and then grown back, and someone who once, in Ashland, asked me to join his band assuming I played any instruments at all. Which I don't. The latter proceeded to sing originals and covers on an out of tune guitar in the back seat of the car for over an hour. I proceeded to not murder him in the interest of a smooth ride back.

When I arrived Taylor was asleep on my bed, having driven five and a half hours worth of driving in under three hours. The next two days were an insane compensation for everything I hadn't been able to do in europe. We shot at things, burned things, drove recklessly, and otherwise were americans for a few days. A few days later Taylor had to head home.

My 21st birthday was uneventful. So uneventful that I left. There was nothing happening in Ashland so I caught a ride to Portland just to have something to do. It was spur of the moment, and what started out as a one or two day trip has turned into a week as I try to see if I can get a job up here. My laptop died shortly after LA, and as of this moment I'm sitting on my friend's porch, typing on my new macbook I got myself for my birthday (I didn't get any other presents, except taylor coming to see me), on a sunny day getting ready to go out and adventure.



I'll try to keep more regular logs from now on.