It's quiet. I don't like quiet. I speak and nothing echos back. When it's too quiet, I move. I transition from place to place.
I remind myself that stability is just a thing, a goal but not an absolute attachment to good. Stability is like chaos, an adjective to a situation, not the definition of it.
I don't have a lot of people. Sometimes I told myself, people matter. Not the classical kind of success. I do it for people. But now I don't have even that.
I'm tasting that success, that I lacked, that I gave up for him or anyone else. It's ok. It's stable. But I'm still unhappy.
There is no greater purpose, there is no plan. There is no future. I'm numb to most things but surviving and not surviving.

I cannot feel my fingers as I type, it's familiar. Portland is so easy, a game I figured out and play from time to time just because it's nice to win, even if there's no prize. I've been changing myself. I hate myself. I find nothing worthwhile or attractive or particularly interesting about myself. I derive all my self worth by the approval or disapproval of other people. Approval makes me feel okay for about ten minutes, max. Disapproval haunts me for weeks. I give myself away because I don't give a fuck, let alone value myself.

I care in jagged little pieces. I give them to people and they scratch when moved against my skin. I care for only people who don't care much for me. Never people who love me. That annoys me. I give little pieces of a greater love reserved to whores and mindless automatons of flesh. I don't know why. I look for approval and love in the most base, unlikely places and crumble a little more as I confirm its absence. I only find feeling in rejection. Am I that desperate for sensation? Now I cannot feel my whole hands, from the fingers to the joints to the palms. My fingers are like cold sticks on the keyboard, stiff and unresponsive. It is familiar.

It is tricky to untangle these things. Stability, chaos, familiarity, progress. What is right, what is just a reaction. I don't have the time, the thought. I am.