Events:

- My car ended up having engine problems AND the woman gave me faulty paperwork, meaning it would cost more then it was worth to fix it.

- Had to buy an entire new car god damn it. 1992 Geo Prism. 30-35 MPG. Red. Sweet.

- Had the following exchange with Geico while shopping for insurance.

GEICO to ME

"FAIR CREDIT REPORTING ACT NOTICE

As a result of your recent rate quote or renewal, we obtained information about you from the consumer reporting agency listed below. That information was used in combination with other factors to determine the rate that you were provided.

Trans Union
National Disclosure Center
2 Baldwin Place, PO BOX 1000
Chester, PA 19022
or call 1(800)645-1938

Since we may have been able to offer you a lower rate had the report been more favorable, we treat our decision as an adverse action under the Fair Credit Reporting Act. You have the right to obtain a free copy of a consumer report from the reporting agency listed above, provided your request is made within 60 days of receiving this notice. You also have the right to contact the reporting agency listed above to dispute the accuracy or completeness of any information in the consumer report provided. The reporting agency did not determine your rate or play any part in our decision and is unable to provide you with specific reasons for our decision or how the rate was determined. You may request, no more than once annually that we re-rate you using an updated consumer report.

The specific information provided by Trans Union that may have influenced our decision is:

-Insufficient length of credit history (-)

-Delinquency (-)

-Presence of collection accounts (-)

-Recent delinquency (-)

Still have questions? Visit GEICO's Credit Use-Frequently Asked Questions page."

Me to GEICO:

"Yours was the worst quote I got anyway so fuck off.

Thx,
-K

P.S. Your mascot is fucking retarded. No one wants to buy car insurance from an english gecko and no one gives a shit about his life story. Your commercials make me want to kill myself with a hammer."


- Going to Portland on Monday.

Thought of the night

Matthew Lush makes me want to shoot myself in the head. Just to punish him for being too stupid to live I'm seeding his sex tape on file sharing networks.

I wonder sometimes if my stepfather is retarded or just does these things to piss people off on purpose.

I've been here less then a week.

cineque

I move a lot for staying in the same place.

I am tired to death of making such little progress in life. I stay in quiet little circles, mini spheres of life in which I judge myself. And I succeed, more often then not, but with the decay of the whole while I play out these little games, real progress is slow. I become sidetracked, I throw away days, weeks, years. And I do it alone, but for tenuous ties due to my combative and discriminating nature. I am selective and most people drive me insane, I can't be around them. I can't be around much of anyone for any length of time. I lack excitement in my own life so I manufacture it. I want to be a part of something so I invent it. And I am still so fucking wounded and nostalgic even after so much time, it sickens and saddens me to my core that the most important thing, to me, that I've ever been a part of was such a horrible scar. It lingers over me and looms over everything I do and leaves me unable to appreciate beauty, kindness, and sincerity without first detaching myself from it. It leaves me cold, like I bled out all my warmth and I now go around observing everything with a cool, objective distance.

I wonder sometimes what I would do if I saw my first ex again. I know what I would do if I saw most of them, but not him. It's odd to think of spending two years with someone and then breaking off so abruptly, but I suppose I did that. After so much time it's more of a curiosity then anything, but I wonder if he looks in on me from time to time or cares to. It's faded to curiosity and who knows if it will fade still, but it's a stray thought I've caught in my head lately.

Thoughts are still and always fragmented, I hate being fragmented, disorganized. I am becoming more and more organic in my thoughts and decision making which is a horrible thing to do for someone who detaches himself from parts of life.


I can never focus long enough to say what I want to say.

omg

Update:

FUCK driving, FUCK bend, FUCK all the traffic lights in bend being out, FUCK drunk bros on a saturday night, FUCK cops, and FUCK that brick wall I backed into trying to get out of some fucking parking lot. And FUCK my GPS for telling me to turn left onto a street when there was a concrete divider so I had to go for 500 feet in the wrong lane before it ended.

FUCK tonight.

Well

I just had to shoot a deer 25 times in the head and 5 times in the heart. So basically I just unloaded 30 rounds on a deer we hit.

Messyyy. Grosss.

Video

UGH

I went to a job interview for a security firm a few days ago and was greeted by a very tall, very intelligent, very enthusiastic woman in a pant-suit named Michelle.  Michelle had braces, a lot of energy, and liked me. Unfourtionately I needed certification I can't yet get, so Michelle had to turn me away, despite liking me and giving me her card. I was asked to come back if I could get the certification, but it was, as always, discouraging.

I've been using Cary's free bus pass so the trips have been free so far, but without them it would have been a superbitch. I'm working on a few projects at once, getting a job and getting my record expunged and getting a car being the top priorities. I only brought a few pairs of clothes and I had to get new ones yesterday as my old ones seem to be full of fiberglass dust and are causing tiny itchy bumps all over my body. Lovely.

Hanging out with Josh again has been good, you don't just leave solid friendships and forget about them. Josh lives one of the more unusual lives of the people I know but that is because Josh is different from literally anyone else I know. One can take several interpretations on his behavior and the cause. I prefer to believe that Josh's unusual self sufficiency leads to a rift between him and people who's needs dictate their behaviors, that being the majority of humanity. That lack of relation leads to misunderstandings that frustrate him and disturb others as they see different events in entirely different contexts. Theory aside, Josh is unique and interesting and it's been refreshing to spend time with him.

I'm trying to write this fucking blog entry but people keep messaging me.

Growth

I made it back, in one piece no less.

My life has been marked by spontaneous decisions and the trip to Germany was no exception. Despite the trip being hard, it was more then worth it in so many ways. Hannes, alone, would have made it worth it. I was given faith in people that had been shaken from me, an a renewed sense of purpose or at least potential within myself.

The short version of the story is, I was told by my original hosts that I could no longer stay with them and I was effectively without a permanent place to stay for over a month till my flight. When I asked if I could at least get a ride to the airport, I got no reply. So, with 60 euro, two friends in the entire country, and a very unstable stay ahead of me, I had to make it work.

Hannes did that for me. Hannes did everything for me. He took me in when no one else would and he was the sweetest, most open and caring boy I'd ever met. He shared without questioning and really, sincerely just wanted me to feel safe and happy. He respected my space when I needed it and I grew close to him through that. I learned to cook a bit, learned the bus system in Munster and the cheapest places to buy groceries. I went with him to his parent's house in Dulmen and Oberhausen and Enschede. I loved him.

Despite being in one of the most healthy relationships of my life, it was underscored by the fact that I need to do a lot of work on myself. I'm not, not quite yet, fair to the people I love. It's hard for me, I recognize that I have some weird attachment and personal space issues. Luckily I was able to contain them as much as possible during my stay and avoid hurting Hannes with my own flaws, but I need to fix these things within myself if I'm going to have a future with someone.

The last part of my stay was significantly more comfortable and stress free thanks to a donation from a friend, I was able to travel and see more then I had in the previous two months combined. My departure was a bit hectic and sad due to the separation from Hannes, but I know I will see him again, so I was able to take it.

The flight was wretched, an italian and an annoying american spoke about really, really stupid things the entire flight. I was moved from my nice, pre-ordered window seat into a shitty isle seat by an arab girl who offered me an ultimatum of either moving so she and her grandparents could sit together or sitting next to a pair of pissed off arab grandparents for 12 hours, so I took the former. At LAX I went through an absurd amount of security before meeting up with Christoph and heading over to Cyle's dorm for the night.

Things were a little distant between Cyle and I for the first few days, but after things melted I realized how much and why exactly I had missed him so much. I spent a few weeks in LA with him and they were, to say the least, memorable. It brought he and I closer and I expect good things to come of it.

I finally caught a ride back to Ashland with three other people, a girl who was mostly quiet and had a good sense of humor but unfourtionatly encouraged the other two, the driver, a man named lance who's nipple allegedly had been ripped off in a car accident and then grown back, and someone who once, in Ashland, asked me to join his band assuming I played any instruments at all. Which I don't. The latter proceeded to sing originals and covers on an out of tune guitar in the back seat of the car for over an hour. I proceeded to not murder him in the interest of a smooth ride back.

When I arrived Taylor was asleep on my bed, having driven five and a half hours worth of driving in under three hours. The next two days were an insane compensation for everything I hadn't been able to do in europe. We shot at things, burned things, drove recklessly, and otherwise were americans for a few days. A few days later Taylor had to head home.

My 21st birthday was uneventful. So uneventful that I left. There was nothing happening in Ashland so I caught a ride to Portland just to have something to do. It was spur of the moment, and what started out as a one or two day trip has turned into a week as I try to see if I can get a job up here. My laptop died shortly after LA, and as of this moment I'm sitting on my friend's porch, typing on my new macbook I got myself for my birthday (I didn't get any other presents, except taylor coming to see me), on a sunny day getting ready to go out and adventure.



I'll try to keep more regular logs from now on.